Russians Held Off By “Magic Bullets” In Georgia August 15, 2008
Posted by ace nobody in War Reporting.Tags: bombing, bullets, comedy, crisis, funny, georgia, georgian crisis, humor, magic bullets, new weapons, russia, russo-georgian war, satire, war, War Reporting, weaponry, weapons
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An anonymous source inside a right-wing think tank in Capital Hill attributes this still-shadowy new technology to the influx of former Soviet-era scientists that began flocking to Georgia when the republic gained independence from Russia in 1991.
“The Georgians were working for years in the field of Organic Warfare,” said the source. “It was an old program the Soviets discontinued but a lot of the same scientists were drawn to Tiblisi when it was taken up there.”
Initially, the initiative was low-tech, centering around the release near enemy troop concentrations of canned meals containing undetectable chemical compounds which would simulate ecoli poisoning, dysentary and other maladies when consumed.
The digestive disruption efforts of the Georgians was moderately successful against the Azerbijani troops in their conflict of 1993, but it was soon realized that the strategy probably wouldn’t work against a better fed military force such as that of Russia.
“Basically, they realized what wouldn’t work on one end of the target just might work on the other,” said the anonymous source. “We think the Georgians actually used the guiding principals of anti-air missiles, where an explosive projectile homes in on the exhaust of a target, and applied that to their anti-personnel efforts.”
Reports coming out of the area suggest that the Georgian Army may have used specialized artillery guns purchased from the US to lob shells that released altitude-timed payloads of small explosive bomblets high above Russian troop concentrations in the field.
“The weapon didn’t have much effect on tanks or anything else armoured, but it absolutely devastated the average soldier, reducing infantry strength like not much else we’ve seen in the non-nuclear range of weaponry,” continued the source.
It’s not known if the Georgians will share this technology with the Americans but given the friendly relationship between these two countries, it seems likely that terrorist forces in Iraq and Afganistan could find themselves the target of these “Magic Bullets”.
